If you’ve tried reward and punishment systems (sticker charts, tokens, bribes, “consequences”) with your child and they don’t seem to work, read on! All too often, parents are told that they just need to be more consistent and their child will fall into line with the reward and punishment system. But, try as you might, it’s not working – and it’s not going too well at school either!
So, what’s up with that? Why do some kids thrive on a “token economy” (another word for rewards and punishments) and some kids actually seem to get worse? Is it really the parents’ fault for not being consistent or firm enough? Is the child just manipulating everyone to get what they want? Or worse, is the child simply “oppositional”?
Dr. Ross Greene, in his book “The Explosive Child” offers another way to look at “misbehavior.” He suggests that “Kids Do Well If They Can”TM and if they are not doing well, then something is getting in the way. He talks about “lagging skills” and “unsolved problems” and the difficulty some kids have accessing coping skills in certain environments and situations. To learn more about his theory, and his plan for solving problems, called Collaborative Proactive Solutions (CPS) pick up a copy of his book or visit his website: www.livesinthebalance.org.
Let’s think about this theory of lagging or lacking skills. Imagine you are driving in a remote area, and suddenly have a flat tire. You realize you don’t have your phone with you, and even worse, you don’t have a jack in the trunk. You literally have no way to fix your car, or even get help. Then, imagine that a police car drives up. Your first feeling is one of relief – here is someone who can help! Let’s imagine, though, that instead of offering help, the police officer says, “It’s time to fix that flat. If you don’t get it fixed in the next 30 minutes, we’ll tow your car and it will cost you $5000 to get it back.”
Now, how do you feel? You’re going to get a “consequence” if you don’t fix the flat. But, can you fix the flat? No, you’re still in the same position you were moments before. You don’t have the tools that you need to do the job. And perhaps even more frustrating, the person you thought would help you is threatening you instead, and leaving you on your own to figure out what to do.
“Sure,” you may think, “threats of punishment can be very de-motivating.” So, let’s imagine further that another police car drives up, and this officer says, “No, no, let’s not punish for a flat tire. This person needs some positive motivation. Tell you what: you get that flat tire fixed in the next 30 minutes and we’ll give you a $5000 dollars. And, here's a mat to kneel on while you fix it.”
Are you able now to fix your flat? No. You still don’t have the tools. And, you are likely becoming highly frustrated, perhaps agitated, and even less able to think of a solution to your problem. The only “help” offered by the authority figures is threats or promises, and an unhelpful solution. But none of that actually gives you what you need to fix the flat.
This is the position our kids find themselves in frequently. Unable to accomplish a task, and feeling hounded by authority figures that, instead of helping, impose rewards and punishments. Is it really any wonder that they begin to give up, fight back, become oppositional and have meltdowns? Not really, if you realize that they simply do not have the skills to do what is expected of them.
So, does this mean we just stop expecting? No, we keep our high expectations for our children and we help them acquire the skills they need to accomplish what they need to do.
There are many roads to skills teaching, and CPS is an excellent choice. While working together with an adult to find solutions to problems, kids gain skills in frustration tolerance, cognitive flexibility and problem-solving. These are life-long skills that will also help them learn to comply with directions and figure out what to do when they are having difficulties. And, perhaps most importantly, it will help them keep their cool when problems arise.
Do yourself and your family a favor by exploring Collaborative Proactive Solutions (also called Collaborative Problem Solving) and learning what a tremendous difference in can make in your lives.
For further reading:
"Changeable: How Collaborative Problem Solving Changes Lives at Home, at School, and at Work" by J. Stuart Ablon, PhD
“The Explosive Child” by Ross Greene, PhD
“Lost at School” by Ross Greene, PhD
Love the flat-tire analogy. That is also how you feel as a parent. There may be a lot of resources out there, but they sure seem difficult to access. Thanks for this post.
Posted by: Carmen Steen | 01/10/2015 at 10:00 AM