Confabulation in Asperger’s was observed by Hans Asperger himself, however, not much is written about it today. Many people, professionals, even, will disallow an Asperger’s diagnosis if the individual in question tells mistruths, believing that people on the autism spectrum are truth-tellers to the extreme. Which we are, for the most part, ruthlessly.
Confabulation , true confabulation, can best be explained in Asperger’s by our faulty memory system. The brain, lacking information about the past, simply fills in the information. According to “Blurring the Boundary Between Perception and Reality” (Scientific American Mind, Dec ’08) everyone’s brain does this to some extent, just minor details, but for some people with Asperger’s, it’s more involved. And, some Aspies also confabulate fantastical stories. Not all of us, not even most of us, but some of us do. This can seem like lying, however the confabulator usually believes they are telling the truth.
So, if your loved one confabulates, arm yourself with information, and seek professional help. You can work on memory and connections and patience. And remember that confabulation is not lying. Help your loved one see reality gently.
Now I’d like to talk about lying. What I’m about to say has gotten me into trouble with some parents, and if it offends, I apologize. It’s my reality, not the reality, so please take it with as many grains of salt as you like.
I believe that we teach our autistic children to lie, either on purpose, which is what I do, or accidentally, through our behavior, which is what I think most people do. Sorry. I said you might not like it. Please bear with me if you can. I honestly don’t mean to offend.
There’s this thing called a “white lie” which most people, I’d venture to say, do not really consider to be lying. Problem is, for people with autism spectrum conditions, we do. If it’s not the truth, then it’s a lie. We can be pretty black and white. Here’s an article on white lies that really pushes my buttons: “Truth be Told: When it’s OK to Tell a White Lie” (MSNBC, Oct ’07)
Now, I can understand the concept, and I work very hard not to hurt people’s feelings. But, really, one need only employ creativity to avoid hurting feelings whilst still telling the truth in most instances. And, I disagree with the entire concept that white lies are all about the other person. However, I am not against lying, truly. I just consider white lies to also be lies. And, if you love someone on the autism spectrum, I would venture to say that they agree.
And, if we were really, truly honest, we might say that most people tell more lies than just white ones.
I think we should be honest about lying: with ourselves and with our children. Truth is, my truth anyway, that sometimes lying is necessary, socially. And, sometimes it’s necessary to make things flow more smoothly, and avoid unwanted – by both parties – discussion. And, sometimes, we do it for self-protection. We’ll probably lie to the thug asking us where we keep our gold, for example.
So, in my home, lying is directly taught. How and when to do it. Why it’s important. What’s okay to lie about, and what’s not. Who it’s okay to lie to and who we should always be honest with no matter what. And what constructive honesty looks like, and how to be kind while being honest.
Because if you don’t choose to teach your loved one how to properly lie, they will still observe you lying, and in many cases will eventually learn to do it. They just won’t have the benefit of your guidance, and will only have yours and others' actions to show them what to do. They won’t know when it’s okay and for what reasons lying is acceptable. Remember that you need to connect the dots for your ASC loved one.
So think of this during this holiday season when you are telling your children to say “thank you” for their gifts. Try to come up with some ways of saying thank you that don’t include lying, or teach them why lying is important in gift-receiving situations. Practice ahead of time, because, really, we can be horrid liars. And please don’t ask them to truly be grateful if they don’t feel it. We aren’t wired that way. We can’t feel what we don’t feel, and being asked to can be utterly confusing.
If you think you never lie, you probably stopped reading some time back. If you’re still reading, you probably know that you tell lies sometimes, even if they’re only white. Because as my favorite t.v. doctor says, “Everybody lies.”
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